Editing 2021 - 5 Senses Flash Fiction & Legend of Arlyia

Legend of Arlyia

P1 - Numbering scenes isn't necessary unless this is a PRODUCTION DRAFT - leaving unnumbered at this phase is more professional
P1 - The kid thief / shopkeeper moment is something we've seen in a LOT of movies and stories -- can you think of a FRESH angle on this? Maybe he's using a fishing hook to get food or something zany that shows his character.
P1 - A name tag is an odd way to intro the character's name - you can name this character in the screenplay and not give a name until later.
P1 - is the GUARD RHYS or is it someone else - if so we need an intro
P1 - Lots of parenthetical - try to have less then one parenthetical for every 3 pages.
P1 - Missing some punctuation at the bottom of the page
P2 - "Gone through" - is vague = maybe "Lived on the streets" // "I've begged my fair share."
P2 - Rhys goes from being really mean to the shopkeeper to being really nice to this kid.
P3 - Action and Dialgoue lines should be less than 3-4 lines long. Big blocks of text can slow down a read.
P3 - Take your seat repeated feels off
P3 - Give us some character goals in these scenes, and you'll see them have a lot more momentum - and even hint at a bigger vision for some of the actions taken.
P3 - In screenplays we have less time for exposition than in prose - be sure every scene has conflict / goals / obstacles
P4 - Avoid voice over in modern cinema whenever possible - it's really tricky to pull off and not heavily used.
P4 - You really want to find a way to SHOW this -
P4 - Because you showed Rhys get so angry with a shop keeper it feels like he's a hot head, but he's super calm when dealing with the princess being frustrating and hiding what's going on.
P5 - Some of the dialog feels on the nose - which means the characters say what they're thinking and feeling - this is totally okay on first drafts, but it's something you'll want to revise down the road.
P5 - how is Estrine up and moving - she sounded VERY sick and weak earlier.
P5 - This dialogue doesn't mirror how a person would share their frustrations in real life just yet.
P6 - I don't belive an orphan really would understand the trials of a princess
P6 - I really like the concept of creating light out of darkness and finding happiness. This is a great message.


OVERALL
GOOD:
-- I like the world and the concept of the story - it's a fun start
-- The theme you put forward around light / darkness was really engaging and I hope this gets explored throughout the story.

IMPROVE:
-- Each scene needs a character with something they're trying to accomplish in that scene - whether they get it or not should have consequences.
-- We can probably speed some of the princess's conversations with Rhys - You can get to the reveal a lot faster than you think (read other screenplays on this)

NEXT STEPS:
-- read dialogue out loud
-- read a few screenplays - you can find some on my discord